I was asked why  haven't been

writing to here at all

lately..

 

 

must be because

I haven't had anything

to tell

 

I have lived like in a dream,

letting things, ideas and

ppl flow by with time.

 

 

I am trying so hard to

live like normal ppl do, but still

I cant take anyone

who is less than

the one I love.

 

There was one guy,

he called me 5 times a day,

he gave me candy :)

and everytime

we saw at terminal,

he came to talk and he was sweet

to me.

 

in couple weeks he made me

feel a bit interested

and soon

I started to like him.. then he stopped calling

and he avoids my company,

he has been seeing someone

while he was flirting with me.....

 

makes me wonder,

is that

how guys see me?

 

Maybe I am good for having fun,

but obviously

I shouldn't

ever believe that it will lead on anything,

since I am not good enough anyway.

 

 

so, when I tryed honestly

to find someone else,

I got my fingers burned again.

 

nothing new under the skies.

 

 

 

 

Metal...

last year was

very very

difficult,

I hope this year

I

Finally find my peace.

 

 

I lost friends,

but I also

had some new friends

and last year

finally

showed,

who are real.

 

I wish this year

helps me to

finally find

myself,my place

and home...

if those exists...

 

let see,

what Tarot tells me:

 

Knight of Swords, when reversed:

 The dark essence of air behaving as fire, such as a tornado:

 A merciless and skillful warrior, unfettered by emotion or conscience.

 A nihilist who can refuse not even the most insurmountable of challenges.

 A person who inspires fear and hate through their domineering nature

and

the power of their presence.

Speaking without tact or tolerance,

in a sarcastic manner.

 May portend the swift initiation or conclusion of conflict,

through the calamitous invocation of force.

 

 

 

heh, soooo,

what else is new?

 

 

Metallinah...

2,5days
30hours at work...

I was supposed to go
to party,
my friend called,
I promised to drop her by.

but she said she had friend
who drives her.
she had told her yesterday that
I am like that,
I promise today and
tomorrow I won't come.

maybe she is right,
I m an asshole
who just makes bad promises.

I put
work on top,
then I try to keep ppl
around me happy,
but no..

it is impossible,
I think..
someone is always
feeling bad about it.

I am so tired...
I don't know where i am
going or why..

maybe one day I find out,
atleast I have my
If..
left


Metallinah..

My phone is shut for 4 days,

it is funny to realize how lost I am

without e-mail..

 

or calling,

yes I still wait for you to call even I know

you never will.

 

I feel sick,

I feel like my guts are ripped out,

and I know the sadness

is slowly

landing in to my soul.

 

the sadness is not my own,

it comes from

the love of my life and

I try to do my best to handle it.

 

 

I wonder do you think of me at all,

has the darkness of me

taken over you

or

can you feel anymore light

from me,

have you channeled

love to hate?

 

I love you more than I did

yesterday,

I miss your voice

and the knowledge that

I can share my life with you,

it is funny to write here,

since I knwo you won't ever see this.

 

I am so sorry I said so hard

and let you go.

 

I lost my willing to do anything

once you were gone.

 

first I thought I will die,

it hurted so much,

but now I feel like:

omg,

if I die it means that I don't have any change to ever be with you..

if..

yes if.. u may want me in 10 years,

if.. you still love me

if..

 

silly ..if is normally

maybe,perhaps that may never

not happen,

but at this very moment.

 

If ..will keep me hoping and dreaming of you

and us..

 

it may be the only thing I have left,

but atleast it keeps me alive and

happy since,

I know that most ppl will not even have

IF..

 

hmmm,

if someone reads this

and finds it weird..

just to remind..

tis my diary,

it is ok to be crazy here with my thoughts,

even still I secretly wish that

I can make even one person to smile

or feel like his/hers

life isn't that bad after all..

 

kisses,

 

Metallinah... 

so..

I told the guy from US
that I was a bit
mad that he can be 2 days without
calling or mailing
and complitely shut me down.

this morning 2 a.m.
he said that he is afraid that
we got no future.

if I would had lied,
that things are ok,
would I still be waiting our
wedding?

first time you cancel
wedding is bad,
but this second time...
welll,
it won't feel as bad as the first time,
you kinda knew it coming,
so you weren't so exited and
this time i hadn't
ordered flowers or anything.

there is something very badly wrong
with me.
maybe it is after all
that only tiny
part of me is a female.

guys can't handle me,
I am too much.

there is one guy
who has asked me to marry him
many times..
but i don't love him.

and I am getting more clear
with my feelings all the time,
if someone has left me or treated me
badly and then returns.

I can spend years to
just be with the person so I can hit back.

I must be a bit sick,
because I see
that I have right to make ppl
suffer if they have hurt me.

just so they won't forget.

how I should need to change myself
that I would be loved the way I am?

hmmm...let see the old Tarot trick...

The World,
 when reversed: Imperfection.
 Failure to complete the task that one starts.
 Lack of vision.
 Disappointment.

yep yep..

Metallinah..

My boss fired me.


I have insta new job,
but i don't feel happy about it.

I was about to go to US
for month,
but today I said to the guy no.

I waited year, for nothing.

at this moment it is very hard to see
reason to go on.

we were a great team with my boss,
I will miss him,
was so great to work with someone
who treated me equally.

how to find the strenght now to move on?

ofc, I am a bitter,
I have gave 110%
to work,
and here I am,
4weeks and I am out.

I thought I was a good trucker,
but...

yea,
would had been wierd if I
would had been good even in one thing in my life.

again I am just average,
and it makes me sad.

I don't know would it be just better
to let go,
just go to bed at night,
and pray that I would not wake anymore.



because I haven't got any human relationship
in almost year,
I had came depended on the
status what I have on my work,
I was filling the being lonely
with working hard,
but even that has been now
taken from me.

I hope I one day understand why
I have to give up everything
I may find dear to me.

Metallinah...

everyone who

gave that 2 seconds for

maybe just reading my blog,

my friends wife

is getting better.

and fast:)

 

and my friend is better too,

even he lost 3 ppl

around him, but

still he got the change to

keep his

love.

 

that is something

so unique and so

beautifull

when you have met your

Soultwin.

 

I am so happy taht I was cryin last night

at work.

 

really,

big thanks for anyone.

 

kisses,

 

Metallinah...

last time I wrote,

I was sad hurt and alone.

 

 

it is ok,

things were ok a while,but now

 

my world is dark and black again.

 

I have a friend,

very dear to me,

as most my real friends are.

 

Life has treated him very hard,

specially lately

 

if everything went wrong,

he has all ready

left.

 

He is one of the greatest

as a friend

as a trucker

and he has made me to respect

who I am

and appriciates my

knowledge,

may it be spiritual

or just work

or anything.

so please,

anyone who reads this,

please

spend even couple seconds and pray for

my dear friend

that

his wife survives

and

that is not too late

 

thank you,

Metallinah...

time to
clean:)

Metallinah...